fawkes-:

new studies show that everybody wants to be a cat

scientists confirm that a cat’s the only cat who knows where it’s at 

Once upon a time, there was a princess, named Penelope. Penelope was your typical princess. Her best friends were a cat name Stan, and a shark called Brian, a shark, I might add, with a certain penchant for chocolate chip muffins. She liked to take walks through the swamp to the west of her castle. She ate a lot of oranges. She liked to see how many weapons she could hide in her skirt, she heavily favored her blowtorch, but she appreciated the feeling of an axe gripped in her delicate fingers as well. She liked to slaughter her villagers on occasion and feed the bloody remains to her pet alligators, you know, the ones that gaurded the moat around the castle.

Penelope, she liked to think she was the most grounded of all merciless dictators. Sure, she had her sadistic side, but stay in her graces and you’ll survive! Also, you shouldn’t call her a fascist. That really upsets her.

Anyways, one day Stan and Penelope were dragon spotting when the urge to kill bubbled from within. Penelope, being the fair and just ruler she was, never killed without a reason of course, unless an innocent bystander got in her way, or she was so enraged that she couldn’t think straight and she just happened to accidentally slaughter the entire village. As I was saying though, the urge to kill came across, and there was no one to kill. We could kill a dragon, she said to Stan. But she knew it wouldn’t do. So they trundled down to the beach and hopped on their raft to visit Brian. 

Now, Penelope and Stan only killed on land, and the ocean was strictly Brian’s territory. They were wondering, did Brian have a reason to kill any other ocean dwellers today? But alas, all of the ocean dwellers had been on their best behavior. So with a sigh, and a handing over of the chocolate chip muffins Stan had specially baked, Penelope and Stan went on their way.

Penelope would not rest easy until she had blood on her hands though. So she and Stan walked to the village, looking for a victim. All of the citizens of her vast and beautiful kingdom seemed to have been behaving quite well though. This enraged Penelope. How dare they. She could wait no longer. She was in a rage! She had to kill something or soon she would turn on Stan. But wait. Is that the dwelling of the Wellingtons? Their grass, it seems longer than code dictates. So Stan whipped out his tape measure. Penelope, he gasped, this grass is well over a centimeter taller than the village code decrees any lawn should be. This is truly outrageous. Not waiting for an explanation, Stan and Penelope whipped out their weapons and took care of the Wellingtons. Take that as a lesson to follow my laws Penelope declared to the villagers when she had finished. And then she and Stan went home and ate dinner outside with the alligators. Ooh yum, they had seasoned chicken and fresh vegetables. Not the alligators of course. They feasted on something else. The end!

A Cat Hat- When a cat climbs on top of your head. And you wear him/her as a hat!!! If I’d been invited to the royal wedding…